I'm your guide on the side, not your sage on the stage. I was given a mission by Spirit to help heal the world, and I can't do that on a pedestal. But I can do that by helping one person or a small group of people change their lives through spiritual practice. Besides, I don't like pedestals - they topple over way too easy.
Lots of people nowadays think that "Lightworker" means you're not grounded, that you aren't practical, and maybe you're one of those people who says "love and light," but hasn't done real, hard, in-depth work. That's a mistaken stereotype. Most of of us "light and love" folks have done the hard work - it's what made us the "love and light" people we are. Besides, our world is in a shitty place right now and has enough darkness. I think we're in need of a little more love and light, don't you?
Anyone can read a book and adopt a title. But I was Initiated as a Shamanic Healer at age 11 by Great Spirit. And after that, as a teenager, I was trained and initiated into Feycraft, which I consider a Shamanic form of Wicca.
The pursuit of a meaningful spiritual practice literally kept me from toppling into the abyss when I was teetering on the edge of suicide.
I just want to say thank you for the course... It was awesome!! Well worth doing! I hope you continue to offer this to others as well, it is a course well laid out and easy to follow. I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I have!
Student of Otherworld Journeys
[Alan is] someone I could sit with for coffee and just listen and learn from. There is no high and mighty attitude here and I find that refreshing.
Reader of The Spell In My Pocket
Alan ... is a generous teacher ... full of gnosis, insight, and humor ...
Reader of The Spell In My Pocket
You have no idea how much I appreciate you! I am super grateful, and I actually look forward to starting my days now.
Previous One-on-One Client
In the Spring of 1988, I had a run-in with a fast-moving car while I was on my new bicycle.
As I attempted to cross the street, I looked both ways, as you do. But there was a vehicle on the side of the road at the top of the hill (where I was) that had been there for quite some time. That vehicle was a broken down car with weeds grown up around it, almost 5 feet high. So I suppose that's what obscured my vision of the oncoming car. That, and I was on a hill.
But as I crossed the street, a car came speeding up the hill, and plowed into my left side.
My left leg was broken in three places upon impact. I was launched from my bicycle, hit the hood of the car, cracked the windshield with my forehead, and rolled over the roof of the car to land on my back on the pavement.
I remember very clearly trying to get up, but EMS was already there, and the Ambulance guy shoved me back down for my safety. My head hit the pavement again (splattering blood around me, I'm sure), and I found myself not in my body.
I lay on the floor of a cave surrounded by three elderly women. I could feel the hot, searing pain as they ripped my flesh from my bones, and consumed it raw. And as they did, they replaced my flesh with crystals and gemstones.
I would later find out that this is a fairly typical Shamanic Initiation experience.
Not long after this, I was lying in my bed in my living room. My parents had moved the bed into the living room so that I could watch television while I was on bed-rest with a splint on my leg.
I was in and out of sleep. Painkillers were keeping me very well subdued at the time.
But there was one moment that I woke to hear just enough ...
My father was standing at my left side, and my mother was sitting on my right. And the only words I heard were, "But I don't love you anymore." And then my father picked up his suitcase, and left. The door shut behind him, and I knew then that life was about to get a lot harder.
Very soon after my bicycle accident, we moved in with my grandmother. Mom and Dad had officially separated, and they were heading for divorce.
While we were living with my grandmother, something came to light that I never thought I would learn about my grandmother: she was abusive. Not only that, but she was the type of person who was secretly abusive - always the sweetest woman you'd ever meet if you were in not my Mom or myself, and were someone outside the family.
Behind closed doors, she was evil incarnate.
There was a time when I was writing a short story for school. She asked what I was doing, and I told her it was homework.
And then she said, "You might as well give up - you're never going to be anything important."
There was another time that she caught me drawing for art class. And she said to me, "You're worthless."
And I can't count the number of times I had to get between Mom and my grandmother. Because Mom was paranoid schizophrenic, and my grandmother didn't understand that it was an illness, she constantly threatened Mom. I honestly believe that she had moments when she hated her daughter, and by proximity, she hated me, too.
I suppose I should back-track just a bit.
I knew at a very young age - before I even knew there was word for it - that I'm gay. There's no doubt in my mind that I was born this way. I've never had any attraction for anyone outside of the male gender. My sexual orientation was not/is not a choice - it's a fact of life.
And while I was growing up, my family was part of a Christian denomination that preached hate. Gay people were an "abomination." We were not loved by God. And we were doomed to an infinite forever of suffering in eternal hellfire if we didn't "pray the gay away."
And I tried. But it didn't work.
All the while, from the age of 10 to the age of 12, I was repeatedly molested by a family member on my father's side.
I'll spare you the triggering details of that story.
But at 12 years old, I went to my Pastor and told him about it. I went to an individual who was supposed to be a trusted spiritual adviser - someone who was supposed to care about my well-being.
And when I told him about the situation, he said to me, "You're the devil's temptation, a stumbling block, in [name]'s walk with the Lord."
Essentially, I was told it was my fault that I was being raped. And I was also taught - through the weekly sermon - to hate myself because I'm "unnatural."
I say all of that to get to one of the most fateful days I've ever experienced in my life ...
It's December 16, 1988.
My uncle Dean had been dead a few months. My grandfather has been dead for exactly one year. Mom and Dad were divorcing. I had a cast on my left leg from my hip to my toes.
Mom and my grandmother had gone to the grocery store.
It was one of those days when nothing was okay.
I hobbled into the living room and lay down in the middle of the floor. Tears streamed down my face.
I had my grandmother's loaded revolver pointed at my temple. I was done. And I was ready to pull the trigger.
But as I lay there, something caught my eye.
A glimmer, or a glint of light.
And so I turned my head to see a book lying on the floor next to my Mom's chair.
I picked it up, and I began to read.
I don't know what made me put the revolver away.
But that book was my introduction to the world of crystals and gemstones, meditation, and chakras and energy work.
I believe wholeheartedly that, had it not been for that book, I would've put a bullet through my brain that day.
I haven't told you my story to garner sympathy. I don't want sympathy. I tell you my story because I want you to know that there is real healing in spiritual practice. I want you to know that life really does get better.
There has been a great deal of change since the day I opened Shirley MacLaine's book. And all of it has been for the better.
But most importantly, to me, is the fact that I've learned to hold space for others. I've come to understand that my service to Spirit/Goddess is only fulfilled in serving others. I believe that every human being is a vessel in whom Spirit dwells, and through whom Spirit can work. I believe that, at our core, we are not broken, but that circumstances have clouded our vision of Who We Really Are - our Sacred Selves, the light of Goddess dwelling within us, both individually, and collectively.
The first step on the journey to living your joy out loud is to recognize that Who You Really Are - your Sacred Self - is the Light of Source. It is the Light of Source/Spirit that the world needs more of right now. At your core, you are not broken - you've just forgotten Who You Really Are. And I believe it is my mission to help people remember, and re-member their Sacred Selves.
It might sound cliche, but the fact is that I really just want to make a difference. I want to have a positive impact on the lives of others. I want other people to recognize that their entire Being is Sacred, and to live that as much as possible on a daily basis.
I want people to experience success, happiness, and joy. I want people to have good relationships, and a community of like-minded friends-who-become-family to share that joy with.
Maybe I'm an idealist, but so what.
Personally, I'd love to achieve location independence (being able to work from anywhere in the world). And I'd love to travel more often (perhaps as a speaker?). I'd also like to finally complete the book I'm working on that focuses on the spiritual principles I've used over the last 30 years, and the practices that integrate them into daily life.
And maybe one day I'll have an annual spiritual retreat where we can come together and immerse ourselves in meditation, communion with nature, and the celebration of our Sacred Selves.
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